Torrey

I will not be graduating from college this weekend. Many of my friends will be but I won't. I will be graduating from the Torrey Honors program and, truth be told, that is enough for me to feel accomplished. I've struggled with this program for the last four years of my life; nearly getting kicked out, hating everyone who was smarter then me, and hating myself for being in a program like this were just a few of the stupidities that I had to work through over the course of these 4 years. I'm not the same person I was when I came to college. A lot has changed and I forget that sometimes. I think that I've changed for the best but I don't know if we will really know that until later. One thing that has changed and that I notice constantly is that I am happier. Not in the, "fluffy feelings all the time," sense but I was miserable before I came to college and during these four year, I've been forced to confront and deal with many of the things that were causing me so much grief. It has almost been like one big therapy session that's slowly bankrupting me but I'm glad that it happened.

On another note, I work at Starbucks now.

Consistency

One of the things that I desire and love about my friends is their consistency. This is a big deal for me and I think that it should be for everyone but I'm not sure if I think of consistency in the same way as everyone else. What I mean is that my closest friends have a consistent personality. Yeah, the bail or flake on me sometimes but they are consistently the same person and I love them for that. It's hard to say that someone is consistently the same person because none of us truly know someone for who they are but I can say that my friends consistently manifest themselves in the same way. It's these consistent manifestations that I love. This is hard to explain. I'm not looking for things from my good friends. Our relationship isn't based on what they do for me or anything like that, it's based on how effectively they love me by the own ability to love. It's one of the things that helps me to deal with disappointment. Regardless of how I'm disappointed by occasional expectations, which are typically a result of my own selfishness, I can always be reassured by their consistent way of loving me amidst me own encroaching and offensive stupidity.

Final

As I assumed, this blog did not last but I've returned to try and resurrect it once more. The school semester is coming to a close and I'm beginning to make that awkward transition from school to work. I know that I don't do well with change and I'm going to be making this transition very slowly. I'm not graduating from school in four years like I had planned but I will be graduating from the honors society that dominates most of my time. Next semester I will only be taking 12 units of general education and then I will finally graduate. I'm starting to work full time at Starbucks for the summer. Yes, I sold out. Hard. To be truthful, it does not bother me nearly as much as I thought it would. I'd like to actually have some money and not have to worry about where cash is going to come from. It would take a lot of my plate, as if I already had so much going on in my life.

Big things I'm watching out for? I've been told that I have a tendency to overwork at things. This doesn't bother me to much when it comes to writing or to school work but the implications of these tendencies on my overall life and soul do a little more then disturb me. Thus, I will be trying my hand at working full time and continuing to be a person and not a slave to a corporation. I don't know how well that will go. I tend to fancy slavery.

Sitting in a room

There are complications

In every day life. At times these complications

Overshadow everything that ever

Was and anything that ever shall be.

I'm too tired to remember

Yet too tired to

Persevere with anything other

Than the hairs on my chinny-

Chin-chin but one day

They shall be gone as well.

Dust shall gather upon my bones

As maggots gnaw and chew my

Sinews. What more is there?

I never quiet know what to blog about

Which has roots in the same problem that I've been experiencing in other aspects of my life but I'll drop the faux pretension and self awareness. Instead, I would like to post a sincere and heartfelt poem that I've written. It's all about my feelings and other stupid shit.

Breath,

Please, take breaths,

Deep and hearty

For questions are

Disarmed and existence

Is the fruit of our exploits.

Serenity was left behind

But there were none

To mourn her.

Her corpse was prepared

WIth pomp and vigor -

Her flesh sustaining

Our bowels for days

On end.

The crowns of puberty

Were kept as a sacrifice

To our moonlight goddess.

She gorged herself,

Expanding and contracting

As her size swelled

With incomprehensible glory;

Maria fed and the mountains quaked.

- by Eric Donzell Toles

Hello, my name is Eric. I am pretentious and in denial.

How has the day been spent? That is usually the question that I ask myself as I wait to be enveloped by sleep but I decided to change things up a little bit today. It’s two in the afternoon and I’ve been awake for less the four hours. To be truthful, this does not bother me. I probably will not be asleep until four this morning. I just like to think of it as operating on a slightly different schedule. I still spend as much time awake as everyone else does but I have the benefit of skipping over the most useless part of the day: morning. I don’t eat breakfast. I hate sunrises. I despise the gardeners who mow the lawn at my apartment complex. As of this moment, I have typed three pages of a script and scribbled two mediocre poems. This isn’t too bad for it being 2:01. How much do you get done in the first two hours of the morning? To improve your mornings, I would like to offer a few of my tips. 1. Don’t take a shower until you must. Morning showers take far to long because you use them as a means to wake up. Cease being a slave to warm water. 2. Don’t brush your teeth. This rule can be thrown out if you have a significant other but I would still suggest keeping it. Fresh breath might lead to your lover wanting to suffocate you in a barrage of kisses and things of that matter. This will only drain you of energy and precious time. 3. Don’t eat breakfast. If you no longer live with your mother and you are not married, odds are that you are cooking your own meal. This takes a minimum of five minutes. Then you have to eat your meal. Skip it all together. Bonus: you’ll lose weight. Look how much free time we’ve created! Now fill this time with whatever you deem appropriate. This is the note that my blog has been resurrected on. It shall live for as long as I can continue to waste time on it. Poetry, short stories, and other garbage from my mindgrapes will float about on and in its contents. Or I might just rant. I’ll probably just rant.